We really do listen to you and read your comments, and we always consider your suggestions…before dismissing them. Unfortunately for you, no, we won’t be starting an OnlyFans account. Also, shame on those of you who want to see a scantily clad “10-year-old cartoon boy” researching and typing. THAT is a new kink!
As for the headline, it was a tossup between ‘ultimate’ and ‘perfect’, but in the end ‘ultimate’ was more better-er. Speaking of the end, this article is all about some leftist ass-hat suggesting that we do away with toilet paper (TP) and instead begin using leaves to wipe our butts with when we take a poop.
Translation into vulgarian: “using leaves to wipe our asses with when we take a shit”. We just want everyone to be happy, and appreciate our vulgarian minority readers. To that end, this article contains both toilet humor AND humor about toilets.
Are we actually taking one or leaving it? You don’t bring the crap with you when you exit the bathroom. Actually, since we are leaving it, then perhaps we should use leaves.
Back on topic, who are the dirtiest and most disgusting people on the planet?
democRATs. But you know that, even if you are one. And if you are one, what the fuck are you doing here? There is no hope for you. Any chance you had of saving your soul was lost when you stole the 2020 and 2022 elections.
Yes, you did.
The real question isn’t if we should continue to use TP, but rather what are we going to use when democRATs finish intentionally collapsing society?
This kind of nonsense from the alt-far-left isn’t new though. The globalists tried to create an artificial shortage of TP during the covid scamdemic of 2020 (aka that thing that enabled the first recent election theft).
This did get us thinking though. Perforated TP was patented in 1891, and we decided to learn about what people used before TP was invented.
The first known reference to TP was in 589AD by the Chinese scholar and official Yan Zhitui, who said, “Paper on which there are quotations or commentaries from the Five Classics or the names of sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes.”
In islam they are not allowed to eat with their left hand…because they wipe with that hand after crapping (via rroij.com). THIS is the reason we shake hands with the right hand! According to wikipedia.com, male muslims “…must also not wear any scent, including deodorant.”
Well, that stinks.
Here are some other solutions to this common shared problem…
“How did Romans wipe their bottoms? The Romans cleaned their behinds with sea sponges attached to a stick, and the gutter supplied clean flowing water to dip the sponges in. This soft, gentle tool was called a tersorium, which literally meant “a wiping thing.” The Romans liked to move their bowels in comfort.” –smithsonianmag.com
“What did Vikings use as toilet paper? The waterlogged areas of the excavation at Whithorn uncovered preserved ‘sheets’ of moss, which had been discarded. Closer analysis revealed them to be studded with fragments of hazel nut shells, and blackberry pips.” –futuremuseum.co.uk
“What was toilet paper in China? In the 6th century CE toilet paper was widely used in China. Historically the first modern toilet paper was made in 1391, when it was created for the needs of the Chinese Emperor family. Each sheet of toilet paper was even perfumed. That was toilet paper as we have come to think of it.” –toiletpaperhistory.net
“What did people use instead of toilet paper in the Middle Ages? Before toilet paper was even a concept, people just used whatever was available to wipe. This included items such as hay, wood shavings, corn cobs, and even iron cables.” –bimbamboopaper.com
“What Did We Use Before Toilet Paper? Leaves, sticks, moss, sand and water were common choices, depending on early humans’ environment. Once we developed agriculture, we had options like hay and corn husks. People who lived on islands or on the coast used shells and a scraping technique.” –cottonelle.com
“What did pirates use for toilet paper? Sailors used something called a ‘tow rag’. A tow rag was a long piece of frayed rope that dangled in the water. The ropes were tied to the part of the ship that was used as a toilet. After wiping, they would drop the rope back into the water and let the ocean do the clean-up.” –cottonelle.com
“What did [American Indians] use before toilet paper? Corn cobs. Dried corn cobs were plentiful in rural agrarian societies throughout history. From colonial Americans to ancient Mayans — the corncob worked by turning on its axis to clean the region (you get the picture). According to our official internet sources, some outhouses in western US states still use this method” –whogivesacrap.org
“What did pioneers use to wipe their bum? One of the more popular early American wiping objects was the dried corn cob. A variety of other objects were also used, including leaves, handfuls of straw, and seashells. As paper became more prominent and expendable, early Americans began using newspapers, catalogs, and magazines to wipe.” –pristinesprays.com
“What did cowboys use for toilet paper? If the cowboys used the large velvety leaves of the mullein (Verbascum thapsus) plant while out on the range, then you can too! Mullein is a biennial plant available for use in almost every bioregion.” –hipcamp.com
“What was used for toilet paper in the 1800’s? Before the availability of mass produced toilet paper in the mid-1800s, humans had to resort to using what was free and available, even if it didn’t provide the most effective (or comfortable) results. Options included rocks, leaves, grass, moss, animal fur, corn cobs, coconut husks, sticks, sand, and sea shells.” –nicencleanwipes.com
“What was toilet paper like in the 1860s? The first commercially packaged toilet paper was made in 1857 by Joseph Gayetty. The paper was wet with aloe and had his name printed on every sheet. It was sold as a medical product, and claimed to prevent hemorrhoids.” –reddiplumbingwichita.com
“What did civil war soldiers use for toilet paper? There was generally no toilet paper available. Soldiers used sheets of newspaper, pages from catalogs, or water from a canteen to clean themselves.” –civilwartalk.com
Quite a lot of creative options there, but we will stick to TP and hope that it doesn’t stick to us.
But if push comes to shove, there is no shortage of leftists today, as colleges and government schools are designed to produce them, by taking perfectly normal human beings and brainwashing and gaslighting them into leftism.
So our very reasonable and comprehensive solution to this problem is obviously the proper path to take. And anyway, who gives a shit if the left doesn’t like it, as they’ve been crapping on us for decades now.
What started this off was Robin Greenfield, an allegedly grown adult male of 36, who likes to refer to himself as an “environmental activist”. Actually, so-called environmentalists are not environmentalists, they are environmental EXTREMISTS pushing a Marxist agenda. Nobody normal hates the environment! NOBODY!!
We ALL like clean water, and clean air, and also radiation as low as possible (seriously, if you dislike radiation, then Earth is the last place you want to be, since we are bombarded by solar radiation 24/7/365, as even if you are on the side not facing the Sun, solar radiation goes right through the planet, through you and out into space).
Greenfield claims we have an “environmental crisis”, but we really have a crisis of environmentalist wackos wanting us to be regressive while claiming they are progressive. Wanting us to live in boxes, while doing away with normal cars for EVs (HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE), and eliminating gas stoves are just three more examples of the left’s regressivism.
The plant (blue spur flower) that he suggests we use instead of the plant we already use (aka trees, which provide the pulp for all forms of paper as we know it) grows in just 11 States, so the other 39 States worth of us would just be…wait for it…totally worth it…almost there…shit out of luck.
Told you so.
Robin also failed to explain what would happen to Taco Bell in a TP-less society, as “mud-butt” is a real disease and they are a known cause.
We recently brought together a crack team of specialists, or was it a specialist team on crack, or even a team of crack specialists…anyway, we consulted with the best folks we could find: Hugh Jast, Richard Hertz, Nate Yuri and Irving Phillip Frehley (who claims to be a distant cousin of original ‘Kiss’ guitarist Paul Daniel ‘Ace’ Frehley, but we have our doubts).
Their solution was to stuff TP down the throat of the guy who suggested we stop using it, then wrap him in TP and put him up in a tree with the other nuts. They didn’t specify if the TP was to be unused or not, and we have no preference either.
Our solution is to dump Robin and his lame-ass idea in the toilet bowl of history and flush. Also, crack is whack.
This is the crappiest article we will probably ever write, and we really just want the globalist left to leave us alone. There is a time and place for communism, and it is called China.
Next we will turn our attention to another top request, figuring out how to go fuck ourselves. Sounds like fun, AND also quite a challenge. Stay tuned.
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